To Blog or Not to Blog...that is my question

So, I have been thinking alot about this blog lately. Why I haven't blogged in so long? What I would want to blog about? Do I even want to continue a blog??

Here is what I have come up with: I probably haven't blogged because these past 6+ months have been some of the hardest ones of my married life. Now, I've been through tragedies and rough patches but this, this is just hard, digging in the trenches in a pouring rain hard. Ryan has been out of work now for 7 months. Like a lot of people in this country we are struggling with our day to day. How blessed are we to have such an incredibly supportive family! I now understand with out a doubt how people end up on the streets. Without family we could be one of them. Living paycheck to paycheck is humbling, accepting help is humbling, fighting to keep your family afloat is exhausting.

While Ryan has been out of work he has returned to school full time. He continues to look for a job and we are still hopeful for a good fit. One that will allow him to continue his studies. In the meantime I have bumped up to working full time. But my profession is give and take. One week can be fantastic with the next, I'm barley paying my rent. I am building a clientele though and things are progressively improving. It is difficult to be away from the boys as much as I am but with the schedule that we have set up, luckily, just Porter and Owen need minimal day care.

They feel the effects of our situation though. Sweet Hayden is always coming up with ideas for us to make more money. I worry that our situation will cut his childhood short. As much as we try to things keep from them, most of the time it doesn't matter because they can feel the stress.
I guess I've been depressed, stressed, frustrated, unhappy. I haven't felt like blogging because I haven't had anything positive to say.

But I'm getting better. Ryan is getting better. We are starting to come together more instead of letting the stress push us apart. We are learning to live on less. Appreciate what we have. And letting go of the things we don't need. We have lived in an age of entitlement. While we have not been necessarily living large we have not been conservative either. We have taken advantage of easy credit. And now we are learning our lesson. The hard way, the only way really.
But with the more time that goes by the stronger I feel. The more empowered I feel. And while we are no where near back on our feet I know that we are not sunk. We are just still treading, working, trying.

I've realised that I have to continue this blog. Just for me. It is my journal. And while I loved to share my good times with everyone it is important to share the bad too. Not only that, but now I have to really take time to think about the good things that are happening in my life and share them so that I'm not always dwelling on the bad. Really make it a point to be positive. Being a positive person all my life I never realised what a gift that was. When I lost that I felt kinda broken. I feel lucky that it hasn't been years this way just a few months, but wow, what a eye opener.

So I will make it a goal to share it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Well, maybe not the ugly, nobody wants to see that (especially me). I'm not going to promise myself anything but to just continue to make an effort. Not to give up. Find the good things and record them before all I remember is the hard stuff. Who wants to remember that crap.